Mothers, often new ones, are the subject of scrutiny, with family, friends and even complete strangers taking it upon themselves to dole out free advice even when not requested. A few mothers share their tips for handling with this
Anjali and her friend (both nursing mothers) hadn’t got a chance to spend time together amidst baby sitting kids, work, household chores etc. One fine evening they planned a meet up at a new place they hadn’t tried out. As they were enjoying the time out, they struck up a conversation with the owner of the place. “We appreciated her work and tried to make some space for ourselves and our little ones,” recalls Anjali. Suddenly the owner noticed the little girl licking her thumb which caused her to remark, “Your mommy hasn’t fed you and she’s happily ordered a wholesome meal for herself!”.
“Apparently this middle aged, better rested, better dressed was self-proclaimed authority on baby paediatrics,” fumes Anjali. “All we wanted to do was to take our mind off our kids for a little while and she had spoilt it. We left the place.”
Indeed, almost every next mom, especially first timers, have a similar story about when someone’s comment made her fume. The trigger can be anything from an idle remark—for instance, the mother-in-law wondering aloud why you have to nurse so often—to comments that seem specifically designed to hurt (the mom who declares that she’d never let her child have formula, right as you give your baby a bottle). In fact, even a disapproving stare from your sister as you turn on the TV for your toddler can speak volumes. And while it is often said, ‘What does it matter what other people think?’ in truth it often does.
Putting people in their place
Dr Anupama Rao Madihalli says getting unwanted advice is not new and she also has had some weird experiences which at times put her in a dilemma. But her ‘ignore the myth’ attitude has got herself out of it. “My son had constipation issues and would not pass stools for a day or two. To which one of my close relative came up with a suggestion that we put a piece of soap in the rectum so that it eases the process. I understand the concern one has for a child but at the same time it would be stupid to fall prey to these misunderstandings. I listen to the advice but whether to follow them or not I decide for my child,” she says. At times she chooses to put people in their place too. “When people comment what I should feed my child, I directly tell to do it themselves. Its easier that way and you are not losing anything that way and neither does your child,” smiles Anupama.
Low key lessons
Sheetal Kamat, mother of a boy and an art teacher, has learnt to give strangers who are a little too free with their advice a low-key lesson in the fact that she’s someone who knows what she’s doing, thank you. “My child has this habit of eating biscuits at my relatives place and if I stock the same in my house, he wouldn’t even look at them. Obviously, people would not miss this opportunity to pop in their dose of advice to which is promptly reply, ‘I will leave my child with you for few days since he seems to like your food’”, giggles Sheetal Kamat. “That just shuts people off! Each child is different and you need to handle them accordingly,”says Sheetal.
Strangers make it worse
Some find it easier to make the relatives understand what a mother feels or what she goes through. But the constant nagging by strangers especially during a train or a plane journey at times can get onto your nerves. Anupama recollects one such train trip where a lady went on and on that she shouldn’t be feeding the child during the journey. “I had not covered the feeding bottle as per the general notion here. The lady insisted I do it. I tried telling her in a nice manner but that didn’t really stop her. After which I had to make it clear to her with a stern voice that I didn’t believe in such things and that all children drink milk and there was nothing really to hide about,” adds Anupama who feels that such things put you off but then you know how to handle them with experience.
“I have had a person telling me to feed my child Parle biscuits and milk from the second month. I think one should let the parents decide for their child,” stresses Ishwari Pednekar, home maker and a mother of a 6 year old. Relatives, close friends are definitely a part of the upbringing where the child learns from the people around them. As parents they understand the child psychology and health concerns closely.
The other mothers issue
Even a slight humor at times can work wonders. “I was once in a restaurant where a lady’s daughter was throwing a full on tantrum. A young couple came forward and offered to lend their phone to give her some entertainment. To which the mother simple got up and said, ‘No thanks, not really—you should have seen her on Sunday.’ This gave people the gentle message to let her handle it,” recalls Anjali.
Since they’re so often the victims of unwanted advice themselves, you’d expect other moms to think carefully before they speak. But sometimes they can be the worst offenders—maybe because they have so many of their own experiences to base their opinions on. Vedika Verma’s daughter could utter only few words till she was 2. The teacher in the toddlers section suggested taking her to a speech therapist. “The teacher went on and on how the child’s development is slow and this may create issues on the later stage”, recalls Vedika. After the conversation, Vedika started visiting the children’s park and went on a long vacation at her native place where the child interacted with a group of cousins. The results were amazing and 6 year old child is now one of the top public speakers in the class.
