Relationships are everywhere we look. There are different types of relationships we find ourselves in over the span of our lives. We begin as someone's child, then go on to be siblings, friends, lovers, co-workers, parents, grandparents, relatives, neighbours and the list goes on and on and on. Every relationship has the potential to be really successful or conversely, a sore failure. As participants in them, we all want to see positive outcomes. There are plenty of ways to ensure that we do achieve success. However, we are seldom focused on the same. In the rush to achieve other ends, success of our relationships is not given that much importance. When we do look at the ones who have it down as perfectly compatible, there are certain patterns that will stand out. The one I shall focus on today is temper, and the balance that always plays an important role in keeping people together and the relationship strong.
We have all heard the saying ‘Opposites Attract'. Some of us have also seen it work, first hand. In this dance of the opposite poles, something that has always intrigued me is what happens when tempers flare. When opposites are involved, one tends to be the calming effect due to which the other doesn't completely lose it. In any given circumstance, if you have a strong support system, you will see just how beneficial this attribute is. It takes a special type of someone to be a calmer in a pair or a group. These individuals tend to use logic and reason and yet, they never show the person having a mini meltdown that their behaviour is unreasonable. The most successful calmers are the ones who are able to set aside their own angst if even for a while and put the emotions of the other in the place of focus. They help the other to vent and put themselves in the position of the guide and soother. In any relationship, it is advisable that one person steps back and allows the one in the worst mood to have his/her say. In any aggravating situation, it is easy to lose your cool. When this happens, having someone to calm you down before you say something damaging is very essential to a clear conscience.
As parents, in a world riddled with competition, we very often find ourselves translating our own angst onto our children. A few days ago, one of my students came to me utterly panicked about the impending examinations. On further discussion, what was clear was that the child had her own worries but her parents were much more flustered and they would spare not a chance in expressing that to her. The result was, a child who needed immediate hospitalisation for she was exhausted from the long hours of study, coupled with poor nutrition and disturbed sleep. In this scenario, two terrified individuals fed off each other's nerves and eventually one party collapsed. In parent child relationships, very often, temperaments are quite alike. In these situations, identifying which will be the calmer is difficult. It is up to the adults, in this case to take on the roles which the children will not comfortably find themselves adapting to. All it takes is a bit of patience, some deep breathing and the opportunity for the mind to think more logically and in a more structured way.
In a world where apathy and violence are common place, surrounding yourself with positivity in the form of positive minded people will definitely help. Every self-help book today, speaks volumes about relaxation and positive minds. So much so that a lot of us just turn our noses up to the sight of those words and actions. The truth is, when all else has been tapped, there is absolutely no reason why we shouldn't try something that has been spoken about for ages, and, this is a big one, something that is not attached to a huge price tag. In order to develop a positive mind and thus body, learning to identify positive people and to attract them into your life is an ability a lot of us will benefit from.
In all of this shared responsibility in relationships, we also have to keep in mind that roles are constantly changing and reinventing. One day the person might be a calmer, on the other, they might require to be calmed. The beauty of mankind lies in the fact that not only are we resilient for ourselves, but when it come to the people we love, we find ourselves ready to take on the haters.
(Charlene Farrell is a counselling psychologist who works extensively with children and adolescents. She also counsels and works with individuals of all ages. Emotional well-being, to her, is of utmost importance to a fruitful existence)
