From the moment, a baby enters this world, he/she is bound to the mother.The initial physical bond of mother and child is cut when the umbilical cord is cut.
This is not only a biological event but it is highly symbolic too. At that moment, the child is ready to survive on its own, physically. But the emotional growth now begins. Every child that is born is like a delicate fiber that is created. As we know, fibers are spun together to make yarn and the yarn is then what makes the fabric. This child, at birth is thus woven into a bigger, already created fabric that makes up the existing family. Though we are not connected physically, emotionally we are tangled, entangled and sometimes untangled.
The family is the first society the child is introduced to. Everything they learn first begins at home. The comfort with which the child develops from one stage to another is testament to the familial bonds formed in the early stages of life. Even in the tiniest of households, there are deep rooted bonds. The child takes on the value systems, religious practices and traditions of the family he/she is born into. The child is completely dependent of the family for his/her every need, want and desire. As the child grows, the bonds become less rigid. His/her interactions with the outside world, slowly open up new understandings and perspectives, but the child still goes back home and imbibes what is the core value there. To go back to the analogy we began with, at this stage, the fabric of the family is strong and vibrant. Like a new shirt, all fibers are intact, well places and the colour is still the same as when you first bought it.
The older the child gets, the looser the bonds at home become. In adolescence, the most important social circle for the child becomes the peer group. They reflect the value system of the peer group more so than that of the family. It is a very crucial period in the life of the developing human being indeed. This is the time of exploration, discovery and awareness. The young adolescent might seem to have completely left back his/her initial ideals and adopted new ones. However, with most successful parenting styles, the adolescent never truly gives up the values he/she has been brought up by. At this stage, the fabric seems to be a little rough around the edges, a few fibers are not snapping away and the fabric isn’t as vibrant as it once was. The fabric is not as tightly held together as it once was. It is still however useable.
As the child grows into an adult, there is further loosening of the bonds. The child chooses a career, a life partner and has a family of his/her own. In doing so, there are new values, ideas and ideals that develop as part of a partnership with another. Here, he/she begins weaving his/her own new bit of cloth and slowly attaches it to the original piece. Within a family, there are so many varying personalities that there is always a possibility of ideas and ideals clashing. When misunderstandings take place between members of a family, the fabric further frays. Gaps start forming and the entire fabric starts taking on a different look. The best part of the fabric of a family however, is that the holes on that surface can always be mended. It might change the entire dynamic of a family, but unlike the clothes we use, the family can actually stand the test of time.
When we discuss human nature, sometimes we forget the brilliance of emotional bonds. The reason why we misunderstand each other at times, is that we fail to communicate effectively. We allow our egos to get in the way and ‘sorry’ actually does turn into the hardest word to use. Sure, as children grow and have families of their own, ideas and ideals do at times clash. The silver lining is that blood is thicker than water and eventually, there will always be forgiveness. There are some family members that have gone years without a word to each other. But the moment one member decides to scale the icy heights and make amends, all the dams get washed away. It is all about making the first move, taking that first step, saying that first sorry. When we look at any piece of cloth, no matter how old and damaged, one thing that will be clear is the fibers in that damaged piece are still holding on. After all, through hell or high water, in family, the hearts connected once are connected for a lifetime. And they are eventually, the bonds that bind.
(Charlene Farrell is a counselling psychologist who works extensively with children and adolescents. She also counsels and works with individuals of all ages. Emotional well-being, to her, is of utmost importance to a fruitful existence)
