The Valentine fable

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Now Valentine’s Day is a tricky one. It becomes the source of conversation by default even if you decide that you won’t get carried away by the commercialisation propaganda and media hype. Inevitably it ruses a strong sense of emotion both amongst the romantics and with the realists.

Either you have had a wonderful time with your loved one or are mending a broken heart or worse probably pacifying yourself that it just does not matter. Spouses who probably hoping to be surprised have been felt let down. Teenage parents who have spent a sleepless night trying to keep young lovers apart feel betrayed by their children. And still others who simply do not want to negotiate, suffer an acute sense of loneliness.

Somehow Valentine’s Day manages to trigger for many some sort of debate in a relationship. This controversy however is not about Valentine as it has to do with love.

What is love? Is love a reality or a fallacy. Is it the same for everyone? Can there be a standard emotion of love that humans can abide to. Does love equate to the moments that accompanies a relationship or is it that ideal state of a physiological response, the sudden rush of euphoria?

Literature, media, music and other arts have manage to perpetuate this desire as the everlasting romance that people often spend years yearning for. Such influences have become our storehouse of reference for what we might address as a true love story. Unfortunately such influences keep us trapped in our own wanting and expectations that often we miss out on the relevance of relationships. For most would confirm that eventually the accompanying biochemical reactions fade away and we are left holding the baby.

It’s interesting because science too has become curious and recent research are today trying to bust this romance myth. More and more people are coming out to state that love, the way we often hope and view it to be, is the classic fable sold in human history.

However what the fable does is that it traps us into an expectation that we ourselves can never meet. Often people move from one relationship to another in the hope of finding their perfect mate. Comparing each with the other, always dissatisfied. Still others cling on to relationships with a fear that maybe they might lose out on something or they are not good enough on their own.

What is true love or is there anything called true love. I doubt this may have crossed your mind even before we begin to dissect love.

It’s the attitude we have to this word called love that is significant. This attitude can make all the difference. The psychology of love is as much about the chemicals that race through your body when you are in love as much as it has got to do with what happens when these chemicals reduce. This perception lives is in your head. The initial signs of these chemicals soaring through your brain makes you blind to all the small defects that is later going to be your curse. But if it wasn’t for the chemicals people would not be able to have an intimacy of any kind. It’s a double edged sword, it’s our attitude that will prevent the feeling from diminishing.

If we give up on life and refuse to enjoy intimate moments, make weird compromises, then we are going to suffer in the name of love.

There is hope for each of us to be perpetually in love. The decision as always is ours alone. One can transverse through a relationship enjoying it to the fullest only when one is open enough to a positive attitude.

Romantic love which includes positive attitude plus biology is a powerful tool. It inspires us mentally, opens avenues for communications and can awaken delights of simply being alive in ways that people can never imagine.

Opening avenues for oneself to find, broadening one’s own capabilities, extending and becoming increasingly desirable to oneself so as to arouse interest in your partner is what your love story should be about.

The first signs of love going wrong is when it turns toxic. When instead of considering yourself a priority, your mate takes center stage.

When instead your life revolves around your mate and fear preoccupies your satisfaction then love has gone sour. When you have no interest of your own and your mate is your only interest than you need to find a hobby, friends and a life.

The idea that lovers don’t argue and fight is a myth. You should be able to assert your needs, negotiate, take turns in leading rather than blame, manipulate and control.

Trust is as essential part of a relationship as is freedom. Being possessive, undue jealousy and power games are the signs of toxicity in a relationship.

Being able to enjoy your time alone without the pervasive worry of dependency, having the ability to look at the reality of a relationship without the delusion of avoiding the unpleasant are some of the many pointers that one has in deciding the nature of the relationship.

We often avoid looking at love as life. The narrative we script for ourselves often eludes the evitable. In this we bury our reality in the hope that Valentine’s Day will mend it all.